For most people the prospect of dissolving a marriage is perhaps the most traumatic and dehumanizing experience of their lives. Fear, hostility, guilt, depression, anger and insecurity are among the range of emotions commonly experienced by people facing divorce. They are vulnerable to any one who can offer them assurances of victory and are receptive to any suggestions that reinforce hostility toward their spouse.

During my career as a divorce attorney, I was unable to deal with husbands and wives together because an attorney is ethically prohibited from meeting with both spouses even if asked by both to work out a peaceful settlement. The result is that each spouse hires separate counsel and the battle begins. The process increases hostility and hurts the children of the marriage and enormous sums of money are wasted to finance the battle.

To those angry or hurt spouses who believe that the court system will provide them with a forum to vent their anger and punish their spouse, I say that using the court system will prolong your own pain and impair your ability to get on with your life.  

Our mediators meet with spouses who are sometime so hostile that they cannot be seated in the same room, much less at the same table. However, most of the time emotions are eventually defused enough to permit discussion of the important issues that need to be decided. Those issues include division of property and debts, custodial issues, child support and virtually every issue necessary to bring closure to the case. Instead of spending thousands of dollars and months of battle, couples generally reach agreement after 3 or 4 one-hour meetings. The difference is particularly significant when there are children of the marriage. Part of the process deals with opening communication to permit the couple to deal reasonably with each other for the benefit of the children.

We know that there are some couples who are hell-bent on mutual destruction. For those couples, the court house battle field is there to serve them. Most couples want and deserve an opportunity to get expert assistance in reaching a peaceful agreement. Pre-suit mediation doesn't work in every case. However, considering the emotional and financial cost of the alternative, every couple facing divorce should first try "Divorce-Without-War"®