Can The Marriage Be Saved? Get Help.

Breakdown in communication is the leading indicator of problems. It may reveal itself in the form of frequent arguments or total lack of communication. Other symptoms and the underlying causes are as varied as is human behavior. You really don’t have to be an expert to know the symptoms. If they exist, most of the time you will recognize them. Solutions may be as simple as direct communication with your spouse about your feelings. Too often, we assume that our spouse already knows about our feelings. Anger and resentment build as we fail to get the response that we think is appropriate to our feelings. "I didn’t know that you felt that way about…." may be the response that you get when you share your concern with your spouse. It may be a matter that is easily rectifiable when openly discussed. On the other hand, by the time divorce or separation is under consideration, the problems and their solutions are usually more complex. Emotions interfere with reasoned, rationale discussion. Get help! The intervention of marriage counselors, therapists or other professionals may set a course of reconciliation. If your spouse is reluctant to join you, seek professional help on your own. Strategies may be available to make it possible to reach the spouse who is reluctant to join you.

If The Marriage Can’t Be Saved, Get Help!

Efforts to save a failing marriage require both parties to participate in the exploration for solutions. The decision to terminate the marriage by one spouse may be irreversible. Indeed, there are circumstances when termination of the marriage may be the better course. Ending a relationship in which there is spousal abuse or child abuse is clearly called for.

There are few experiences in life that stirs emotions as intensely as facing the dissolution of a marriage. While these emotions are "controlling," it is difficult to make decisions that will affect your future life. The operative word here is "controlling." The first objective is to find assistance in dealing with these emotions. For some, clergy can provide some comfort. Psychologists and support groups may be helpful to others. Focusing your attention on the possibilities of the future, rather than analyzing the past, is the key to getting on with life.

 The fact is, if your spouse wants a divorce, even if it is for the wrong reasons, the court will probably grant it. "No-fault," whether you agree with it or not, prevails in this country.

 Divorce - "How" Not "If"

Most states have adopted the concept of "no-fault" divorce. Though it works differently from state to state, the central theme is that one spouse may sue another for divorce without having to prove the other guilty of wrongful conduct. If the marriage is found to be "irretrievably broken" (comparable language used from one state to another), and other statutory requirements are met (for example, residency) the court will grant the divorce. The modern trend is for the courts to look at divorce in economic rather than moral terms. Legal battles in the divorce courts have more to do with "how" the divorce will come about rather than "if" it will be granted.

The line, "she won’t give me a divorce," like "Play it again, Sam," belongs in the archives of old movies and badly written television scripts.

 The "no-fault" concept is being re-examined in some states. There are persuasive arguments on both sides of this difficult issue. We will not engage in that debate at this site, but will instead direct our attention to helping you make some informed decisions.

 Friends Mean Well, But....

 A few words of  caution. You may be subjected to misinformation from well meaning friends and relatives. Often, they will reinforce your feelings of anger directed at your spouse. Such advice may be comforting for the moment, but it will not help you to put the problem into perspective. Get expert assistance from professionals who know how to help you. At the point that divorce appears to be inevitable, the objective should be to avoid the war.